Obtaining Super Powers

There are many ways to obtain superpowers but be warned: the path is incredibly dangerous and the odds are more in favor of you ending up horribly injured, vaporized or spread unevenly across at least five states [which do not necessarily border each other] than of you becoming a superhero.

But if you are determined to try to become a superhero here are some things to try [strictly at your own risk, of course].

1. Perhaps you are born with latent mutant superpowers

This is by far the easiest way to obtain superpowers. You may at this very moment be a mutant possessing colossal powers you are not even aware of.

Think carefully: have you ever lifted an 18 wheel truck with your bare hands without thinking, punched your way through twelve inches of reinforced concrete by accident, or flown to the Andromeda Galaxy instead of going to work? If you have answered Yes to any one of these you may well have been born with mutant superpowers.

But even if your answer is No, don't give up; you may have latent superpowers which will only become evident in times of great stress or personal danger.

To discover whether or not you have any latent superpowers you can consider trying any of these tests:
a) Stand in the path of an express train and see if your body goes out of phase with the universe so that the train passes through you without harm.
b) Eat a meal at a cheap restaurant to determine the extent of your invulnerability.
c) Wander around naked in public to see if your latent power of invisibility can save you from being arrested.
d) Try jumping off a tall building to see if your latent powers of flight will kick in to save you. (This is not a good test if it turns out your latent power is invisibility after all.)
e) Finally, if all else fails, try dragging a clear bag full of $20 notes through South Bronx at 2am and yelling out, "Oh! I must getting lottery winnings home!" and see if any kind of power on Earth can save you.

2. Being Exposed to Radiation

Once all the rage in the 1950s and 60s, medical research has now shown that being exposed to radiation is not a particularly good way to gain superpowers. If you are not convinced, just ask superheroes who have used this method in the past – Captain Leukemia, The Meltdown Man, Mr Low Sperm Count, Ms Low Sperm Count, The Inside-Out Man, The Incredible Cancer Victim or The Portentous Blotch.

3. Developing a New Secret Formula

While this didn't work for Coca-Cola, but there’s no reason to believe it won’t work for you.
The trick is to concoct what you believe is just the right combination of chemicals, and then either drink them or pour them over your head and see what happens.
(Throwing up or suddenly becoming a redhead are not manifestations of superpowers. It’s more likely you've accidentally recreated hair dye or beer.)
Of some two hundred people who have tried this method, one gained super speed, one to rotate his buttocks every spring, and one to run around screaming louder and longer than any human being ever recorded. The others are either dead or resemble a pizza in mind and body.

You might be forgiven for thinking it’s a good idea to try out your untested formula on someone else first before using it yourself, but testimony seems to indicate otherwise:
‘I tried soaking a piece of cardboard in my formula but I couldn’t tell if it subsequently gained superpowers or not, so I decided not to try it.’ – G.D., Worcester, Ma.
‘I tried it on my little brother first. Boy, were my parents angry when they came home to find I’d turned him into some sort of multi-mandibled Gloop Beast of Death. I thought it was a major improvement!’ – D.K., Albany, KY.
‘I tried it on my German Shepherd. It worked for both of us and now he’s my arch enemy, Dr German Shepherd. I have to save the world from him every month, which is a real bummer.’ – The Dogcatcher, Queens, NY.

4. Becoming a Human Torch

Good Ways to Become a Human Torch:
- Vibrating your body at superspeed until friction ignites your body at a cellular level
- Being bombarded by cosmic rays that interact with your body chemistry
- Learning the Mysteries of an ancient race of volcano dwellers
- Getting bitten by a radioactive firefly
- Having a mother and father who are both human torches.

Bad Ways to Become a Human Torch:
- Vibrating your body at superspeed until it falls to bits
- Dowsing yourself with kerosene and striking a match
- Falling asleep while smoking in bed
- Volunteering for the Pentagon’s napalm testing program
- Standing underneath the launch of a NASA rocket.

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Obtaining Super Powers