True story here. Somewhere in a eurotrash country (some are, some aren't. This one was) on a weekend scout camp, I had a scoutmaster teach us about tent fires. He and the assistant scoutmaster set up an old beater of a backpacking tent, squirted a bit of lighter fluid onto it and set it on fire. It went up quick! Really taught me about tent fires something that I will remember til the day I die. The meritocracy part? That scoutmaster actually burnt his own damned tent down that same night.
Lip glue. Who can't benefit from this every now and then? Sorry to say, it's usually women. Yeah, I said it. WOMEN! Take one, you're fine. Take two and you get constant chatter every step of the way.
A phone killer. Not a jammer, an actual device that will fry every damned piece of electronics within a quarter mile. GPS, phone, tablet, pacemaker (?), radio, surveillance equip etc. When I go hiking, I don't give a damn who won whatever game and I don't give a damn what your wife thinks. Last time, I bounced a guy's phone off a tree trunk. I threw out my shoulder. Bastard sure busted, though! He didn't like it.
Body decomposing equipment. Everyone will eventually come to a point where there's an inconvenient corpse lying around.
A stupid brick. For the stupid ppl. Wear it around their necks until they earn their way out from under it. You learn quick.
An axe with an intelligence requirement. So the idiot who thinks he can chop wood won't put it between his toes and require 23 stitches and a carry out.
Tent pegs that aren't ****ing smartasses! Who hasn't stepped on one in the dark, stubbed a toe, tripped over a damned guyline because you can't see it, lost the bastards??? WHY can't some smart boy create a peg that doesn't **** with you? Hell, I've been pitching tents (twice) and actually found other people's pegs still in the ground. Colored paracord only goes so far. WIRE PEGS???
A rifle with a flashing LED to indicate a loaded chamber. Maybe add an alarm when the rifle is aimed at a person??? Some idiot will still pop off an "accidental" round that hits a tree near you....and the same idiot will still shoot his buddy thinking he's a deer. Yeah, Rufus, deer around here wear orange to **** with your mind.
A glow in the dark tent. Not the swanky new glow in the dark paracord crap (works on them tent pegs but only for like a half hour after dark)...I want a damned GLOWING bright tent that the other idiot won't **** on in the middle of the night!
REAL light proofing on same tent. Man + lady + tent = a pop in someone's mouth when your buddy cracks wise about you two leaving the light off the next time. She was too embarrassed to ever go back out with us again. I really cared for her, too. Becks, I really hope you found a decent guy and have a great life, doll!
Dogs that live as long as humans.
Food bags that actually have the "TWO FULL SERVINGS" claimed. When some ****er thinks his soul is worth saving two damned teaspoons of dried veggies, something is seriously wrong with this world. That body decomposer would come in handy here.
An ******* with some ethics who won't go out of his way to **** you off in every way possible. That concept thing above, again. Example? How's this? Five guys all standing at a trailhead splitting up food equally. "This is *your food to last you three days*. Portion it out so it'll last". Some dumbass will ALWAYS eat all his food by day two. He won't have the god damned ethics to just go off into the woods and die, either. He'll sit there at the fire watching you all eat until you give him some. You in effect lose part of your food, you in effect carried HIS food for him, and he acts like he's doing you a favor. Another, and this is one I've ranted about for decades, the "ultra-light hiker". The ******* on the trail who will always end up in your camp when it benefits him but disappears when there's work. Last night of the trip, banquet night. Everyone tosses in their leftovers, whatever they may have, and you all have a great time. The *******s show up to feed, always seem to be first in line, but never have anything to toss in. The same ****ers who sit at the fire drinking YOUR bottle but never seem to have one to pass around. The same ****ers who end up in your tent to play cards and drink on those rainy nights. You want a PRIME example of the *******s with no ethics? How's this? App Trail, northern Virginia near the Maryland border. One ******* stole the ace of spades from my deck of cards thinking no one would notice. I did. He learned. Abuse of trail angels! The unethical ****tard who will rip off the guy giving them a bed for the night. I've stored restocks for countless folks over the years all over the US. If I'm close to a trail, I post it. Usually, it's ramen, rice, pasta and poptarts for guys packed in blue plastic tubs in the garage. Always marked, always taped so they don't get raided. Tell the unethical ******* "you can pick from this open cardboard box over here but don't touch the blue tubs, those belong to folks". Get up the next morning and four tubs are opened and looted and the ****er is gone. Another will stand there and stuff his pack full of freebies and walk out without offering a cent or a chore done or a thank you. One *******, I caught him stealing batteries out of my flashlight. Said his were dead. Umm, yeah. The unethicals are the thieves, the loafers, the moochers, the total human trash, they tend to be younger college or just out of types. Most, once they've had their asses kicked a time or two, learn. Some don't.
Batteries that are good when you need them. Sounds simple. It isn't. Batteries will **** your mind like tent pegs. Load brand new Duracells on day one to be sure....the ONE time you desperately need the light, they're dead. Either that or the bulb is fried. Or you lost it. Or some ******* steals it (see above). Think you've got the perfect light? Yeah, right. We all do until we learn diff.
Equipment with tiny alarms. See the unethical ******* above.
Zippers that don't screw up....buckles that don't break. Boots that don't blister, pants that don't chafe. Again, think you've got everything perfect? That's the day you pop a hemorrhoid or you break a tooth. The stuff you CAN'T plan for, it gets you every time. Your wife/girlfriend's period starts three days early, you get a damned splinter that you can't dig out.
Things I'd like to see
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