Alaskajohn- The two days of pure hell were finally over. As I looked across the Cook Inlet at the snow covered peaks to the west, the tall glass of ice cold Alaskan IPA helped me forget the living nightmare I just lived through
Bugbor- I've done enough damage. I'll give somebody else a chance.
Jfountain2- Joe opened his bartering with what he thought were sure fire essentials, nipple clamps and hot sauce
After stubbing her toe for the fourth time in as many days, Alice decided the body had to be hidden somewhere else.
Just as the last raiders walked by, grandma’s Tourette’s Syndrome kicked into overdrive
Raymond- I kinda enjoyed the feeling of flying. It just didn't last long enough. When the front tire of my ten-speed blew, at 37 mph, I dropped my ice cream cone.
I needed help trying to prove my thesis. If you believe and accept Darwin's theory regarding survival of the fittest, bad drivers should all be eliminated automatically. This is just good science, right?
THE ALASKAN
“The two days of pure hell were finally over. As I looked across the Cook Inlet at the snow covered peaks to the west, the tall glass of ice cold Alaskan IPA helped me forget the living nightmare I just lived through.”
The crowd at Simon & Seaforts Bar on L Street in Anchorage was sitting around Dusty Dave(that’s me) and paying rapt attention as usual. It is and always has been that way. And why, do you ask? Well, you just walked in and your new here so I’ll tellya. Because I have education to impart to all those young’uns who needed some teach’n.
And, I’m sure yer ask’n how did a kid from a little town Nebraska get to be a great outdoorsman in the great State of Alaska? Well, I’m here to tellya. I was always a wild and impetuous youth. I used to do things the other kids wouldn’t do. Now Nebraska isn’t known for its startling landscape, but there were some old quarries that had some pretty thrill’n roads cut deep into the earth, and none was deeper or steeper then what the kids called “the one way road.” Not because you could only travel one direction on it, but if you tried to ride down it on a bike it only ended one way. Badly.
Well I just got this new fangled 10 speed bike and Billy Younger bet me that I couldn’t ride down one way on it …while eating an ice cream cone. Well, I had my pride at stake and I knew my bike would do its thing. Next thing all the kids are watching and yell GO as I lick that chocolate swirly. Well I’ll tellya, I was flying down that road when a bad thing happened, my bike failed me and I got launched like one of them missiles you see on TV. I kinda enjoyed the feeling of flying. It just didn't last long enough. When the front tire of my ten-speed blew, at 37 mph, I dropped my ice cream cone. And I lost the bet. But dang that was a ride.
So, ya can tell I wasn’t a normal type kid and I had a weird bring’n up. Like the time my daddy took a job roughnecking for Texaco down in Mexico. He said they were gonna pay him big bucks and he packed up the whole family including his widowed mom and off we went. They settled us into a little 2 donkey place that wouldn’t even qualify as a village here in the States.
So, we been there a couple of months and these army guys stop by and tell us to look out for bandits running up and down the territory. Well, being good old red blooded Americans we didn’t worry about that too much. But about 2 weeks later here they come ridin into town on horses…on horses, it’s the 20th century and these yahoos were on horses. Anyway ma tells everyone to be quiet and they may pass us by. Did I ever tellya about my granny, …well she just wasn’t quite right. Anyways, Just as the last raiders walked by, grandma’s Tourette’s Syndrome kicked into overdrive. Well she lit into some fearful cussing and swearing and I guess they musta thought John Wayne and his troops were inside our house because they started screaming in Mexican and next thing they was gone in a cloud of dust. Just goes to show ya, ya ust never can tell what is gonna happen in life.
So, I got back to America and I decided I wanted to do something special with my life and get an education. I worked hard, got a few scholarships and I was on my way to mak’n something of myself. I was actually work’n on getting a Masters in Humanities. I figured how hard could it be, were humans right? So I concentrate on my Masters thesis on something that has never been explained or explored before. BUT, I came up on this stumbling block. There wasn’t any information I could find on my topic and in desperation I finally had to go to my advisor/counselor/professor, Ms. Pricilliana Tomeka-Jones-Tashuntekwa. I told her I needed help trying to prove my thesis. If you believe and accept Darwin's theory regarding survival of the fittest, bad drivers should all be eliminated automatically. This is just good science, right? WELL, I don’t know what flew into her bonnet that day but the way she lit into me I thought I had insulted her or some such. She went to the dean and next thing I know I am tossed out on my ear. Well, I was devastated.
I was morose and dejected and forlorn and all those adjectives about being down. So, I am sleeping on the library floor and this book falls off the shelf as a big truck rumbled by and it hits me right in the head and I thought it might be a sign. The book was INTO THE WILDERNESS about a kid named McCandles who just up and chucked it all and went to Alaska to live off the land and all that. Well,… it was such a great idea I didn’t even bother to get past the middle of the book. I just up and went to be just like Chris. And that is how a doctoral student, namely me, wound up eventually sitting in a bar looking out over Cook Inlet.
Now, it wasn’t all a bed of roses and great times like that Chris kid had. No siree bob, I had some harrowing times. Cause ya see, it was my bad fortune to be arriving in Alaska just as One eyed Joe and Crazy Alice were reaching the boiling point in their relationship.
They met in the usual way in Alaska, Alice was having some truck trouble with her electrical system as joe was going by. Joe saw Alice and thought she was a sight better looking than that sow black bear he had been hibernating with and he stopped to help. He made his strong first move. Joe opened his bartering with what he thought were sure fire essentials, nipple clamps and hot sauce. Alice was impressed, every Alaskan knows that nipple clamps were the thing you wanted when chasing wires and doing electrical work when it is -40 and you have to put wires together. If you didn’t have that little chain and clamp that you clamped to another part of the car and the clamp slipped off the wires into the snow, you take you glove off to fish around for the dropped clamp and the next thing you know you have lost 4 fingers to frostbite. Yep, nipple clamps saved many a finger from gett’n froze right off. And as for the hot sauce.. well you get tired of the same tasting beaver or moose so all the real players showed they were in the know by carrying hot sauce. Its common knowledge in Alaska.
So, old one-eye and Alice hit it off like 2 minks in the rut and the stories of their passion in the snow is legend. But, like everything in nature, sometimes a guy just can’t help a roving eye, and when she caught Joe sweet talk’n that new blonde sow grizz that moved into the neighborhood, well old Alice had had enough. Well old Alice usta wuz one of them ladies who did some lady lumberjacking for the tourists before she went bush native, and when she saw Joe smooch’n that blonde, well she grabbed her old double blade and sunk it into Joe’s back from about 50 feet. Broke that little bear’s heart.
Now I am gett’n to the part where I meet up with Alice After stubbing her toe for the fourth time in as many days, Alice decided the body had to be hidden somewhere else. Me, I had been stumbling round lost for days and I was tattered and tired and half dead from starvation when I happened into Alice’s yard. We talked and she asked if I would work for food? Well sure I would at that stage. So, she said she needed a hole dug. Well you ever try to dig through permafrost. I justabout died chopping and a picking and a shoveling.
So Alice finally says good enough and she asks me to help her carry out Joe. Well that was a surprise, I just thought he was sleeping. Anyway we drop him in, she didn’t want to say any words over him and we covered him back up. Well, even I could figure out this wasn’t right, so after getting some good grub into me I figured I better git before Alice thought I shouldn’t be allowed to leave. I waited until her back was turned and WHAM, I laid her out with one of them frozen salmon we were putting up into her cache. I dragged her inside so she wouldn’t freeze and I lit out to find me the law.
Well when they got back they found that you never pick a fight with your boyfriends girlfriend. They found that little female grizzly just a chomping away on old Alice. Jealous wimmin, ya just never know what will set them off.
So, I took that as a lesson and started my new life here in Alaska and hunted and trapped and prospected my way to the Arctic Ocean and back and everywhere in between. I became something of legend and great stories have been attributed to my life in the bush. And now it is my duty to pass on what I know to the young folks who are coming behind me.
I never did find that Chris guy and thank him for being an inspiration to me. He was the kind of guy you want to live like. All that freedom to just take life by the horns and master it all.
What, you want more stories of my life? Naahhh, I've done enough damage. I'll give somebody else a chance.
Oh, you want to know about the last 2 days of living hell I just went through..? well, I was broke and my government check was late getting to me and I haven’t had a drink in two days.
But.. if your buying, I might be able to remember some more things.
NUMBER 3 in donation series...THE ALASKAN
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